Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize