Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
