it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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