I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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