it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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