her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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