Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
