I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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