she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
