He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize