u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
