The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
