john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
ttyl tear gas
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
