Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
