I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
