I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
