i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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