shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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