bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We have started to decorate penises.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
