i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
