She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
