This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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