so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
