Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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