i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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