I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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