got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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