My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just want to make out with him forever
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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