This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
