i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
