what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Randomize
