he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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