someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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