I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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