he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
