I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
