i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
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