Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He felt like a one man threesome
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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