she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
