just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
