If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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