Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
