I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
