Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
