i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
