Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
