I got chris browned last night
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Every concussion has its silver lining
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize