I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
