At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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