I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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