Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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