my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
