God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
