Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
