Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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