so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
