my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
