his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
