I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
