I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
