i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
