I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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