Betty ford says i'm here all night
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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