I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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