how can u be prego again
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
