Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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