I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
