How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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