Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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