she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
