We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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