And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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